my apologies for the huge block of text ........
This is the result ...
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A door opens and light filters into a dark room. Two figures enter and suddenly three overhead lights turn on.
A male and a female clutch their bags, shield their eyes and the female speaks “ahh geez, can you turn the 1 million candle watt spots off?”
A computer voice comments “They aren’t that bad”
The male speaks “If I had wanted to get an instant suntan, I could have gone to a spa”
The female pulls her ball cap over her eyes
The Computer hums, the lights dim and the two figures enter the room a little more. Then the door locks.
The Computer voice continues “If you are all set we can start today’s experiment. It’s an unproduced script called FLAC. The meaning of the title will be revealed in due time. I left some pertinent info for you on the printer tray concerning the script.”
Mike sighs “Great.”
Chris and Mike sit down and begin to eat. Chris quickly reads the print out.
Mike looks at the TV and yells “ We have script sigggggggnnnnnnnnnn”
FLAC
(Mike) What does that stand for? Frolicking Lesbian
(Chris interrupts) Going to keep this PG at least on the first riff …. okay?
(Mike) okay. How about: INCOMING!!!!!!!!!!! *he puts on a pith helmet and hands another to Chris. She removes her cap and puts the helmet on*
By:
(Mike) Alan Smithee
(Chris) The computer did some research, judging by this printout the script was actually written by someone called ladyholmwood
(Mike) Must be someone heavily into Lord of the Dance … err … Rings fanfics or somesuch.
Fade In
(Mike, as Mr. Miyagi) Fade in .. fade out
Pine trees sway in the breeze as music slowly fades in
(Mike, as a narrator) Welcome to The Lawrence Welk program
(Chris, as Lawrence Welk) uh wunnaful, uh wunnaful
(Tori Amos' 'My favorite things')
(Mike) Well, could be worse
(Chris) How?
(Mike) William Hung singing that song
(Chris) ugh
(Mike) ooh .. zing
during a montage of news clips dealing with the war on terror and people discussing the first amendment.
(Mike) and the producer pays Michael Moore royalties ….
The title appears: Fear and Loathing in Atlantic City hand scrawled over video footage.
(Mike) The Director brought in a local kindergarten class, I see
Duchess (V/O)
We were somewhere around Batsto
*Mike looks at a map on the net*
(Mike) Just left of Tomsliver
(Chris) my liver!!!
(Mike) Oh wait .. Toms River …. Couldn’t read that very well
(Chris) About three people will understand those series of jokes
on the edge of the pine barrens when the drugs and alcohol kicked in.
(Mike) I’m gonna need some codeine to get through this
(Chris) No such luck .. if I have to suffer through this so do you
(Mike) Advil? Pepto? Crack?
(Computer) Sorry .. I can offer various forms of caffeine, though
A black focus (the black minnow) zips past the camera.
(Computer) There goes a narwhal
(Mike) Is that image supposed to mean something?
(Chris) Like in Lost?
(Mike) Let’s hope not
(Chris) Why?
(Mike) Because we’ll have to watch this over and over to get all the hidden meanings
(Chris) Let’s not tempt the computer
(Computer) Hey!
EXT. ON A DESERTED BACK ROAD TO ATLANTIC CITY – DAY
(All hum Talking Heads’ Road to Nowhere)
The minnow races down the road past the 666 route marker (Bossa n' Stones 'Sympathy for the devil-freedom remix') blaring from the car.
(Mike) Suppose it could be worse
(Chris) How?
(Mike) Bad Day by David Powter on repeat
(Chris) zing
The Duchess behind the wheel, focused on the road, flask in hand and chewing on a plastic straw just staring dead ahead.
(Chris) I’ll bet they meet up with all sorts of memorable characters on the way … naked chicks, those with alternate lifestyles, a blind guy with a police scanner
(Mike) You’re confusing this film with Vanishing Point
Beside her is a well tanned female wearing shades and doing jello shots.
(Mike) I see the writer saw Thelma and Louise at least once
Duchess (V/O)
I remember yelling “what the fuck did I eat?”
(Mike) And I remember yelling “What the fuck are we watching?”
Duchess
You need to drive.
Georgie looks over and spills mexican food down the front of her.
(Chris) Wet T-shirt contest!!!!!
(Mike) You are disturbed ….
(Chris) Look who’s talking
Duchess (V/O)
It was then I heard the awful screeching sound.
(Mike) Georgie spilled mustard on herself?
(Chris) There was a vulture flying overhead?
Up ahead
(all, singing) There’s Texaco
in the sky appeared to be a huge...
(Chris) Penis?
(Mike) 16 Ton weight?
what looked like...it couldn't have been Mother Leed’s thirteenth child
(Mike) Mother Leeds? Pause the movie, computer
*Chris types on the computer she brought into the room*
(Chris) Some obscure New Jersey based band … I think
*Mike taps some keys*
(Mike) Possibly this is it … she was a witch … something about the Jersey Devil here
(Chris) Gotta love the net … seems the writer was trying to be educational … let’s roll on, computer
.. the foul devil himself bombarding the car, spewing fire and brimstone.
(Mike) Wow the Director got Pat Buchannan to do a cameo
Close in on the duchess,
(all) Too close! Pull back!
something reflecting in her eyes.
(Mike) Is that the tech crew?
The wingspan huge as it closes in, growing bigger as the camera zooms in on the pupil.
(Mike, narrator mode) Size …. Does …. Matter
Duchess (V/O)
Someone was screaming ‘what the fuck is that?’
(Mike) That was everyone in the audience
...but it was my voice.
Wide shot of the car as it cruises down the road.
(Mike) You sure we’re not in a time warp?
(Chris) No, why?
(Mike) Suddenly I feel I’m watching a Colman Francis film
The Duchess grabs a baseball bat off the passenger side floor, swinging wildly as Georgie casually looks over at her.
(all chant) Do it, do it
Georgie
What are you bitching about now?
-------------------------------------------
(All) *hum ‘I Walk the Line’*
Duchess stomps on the brakes and they both lurch forward barely missing cracking their skulls on the dash.
(Mike and Chris lurch and bounce around as if they were in the back seat of the car)
Duchess
Need to drop the kids off at the pool. Your turn to drive anyway.
Duchess still holding the baseball bat tosses the keys over to Georgie before reaching across popping the trunk.
(Mike) So that’s where the kids are
Duchess (V/O)
No point in mentioning the Devil. The drunk bitch would see him soon enough.
(Chris) oooh, foreshadowing ….
Duchess gets out of the car and opens the trunk the rest of the way to grab a roll of TP out. Inside the trunk is a case of TP, booze and weed. She is still holding the bat in her hand.
Duchess (V/O)
We had it all in that trunk. Booze, drugs, a case of toilet paper; two ply.
(Chris) and A Where’s Waldo Book, a ghetto blaster and some duct tape
(Mike) the fact that the TP is two ply will be a major plot point .. just you watch
Duchess running back from the woods, swinging the bat wildly and looking around like a deranged person. Tosses the TP in the trunk before grabbing a bottle of Vodka and hopping in the passenger seat of the car.
(Mike) She had a quick cameo in Blair Witch Project 3 which was filming just over the rise
Duchess (V/O)
Not that we need all that toilet paper you just don't know when you'll come across a bad batch of Mexican.
(Mike) we’re about 1/300th of the way through this, right?
(Chris) Your point?
(Mike) No lesbian shower scene, yet
(Chris) I’m surprised, too
EXT. CLOSER TO ATLANTIC CITY - DAY
Georgie is hunched over the steering wheel staring at the road ahead of her. Her eyes as big as saucers
(Mike) Live action Sailor Moon. Great
as she takes a hit off of a joint.
Duchess (v/o)
What really had me concerned is I forgot to pack pepto and tums.
(Mike) What has me concerned is we’re riffing this sober
There is nothing more crippling then when that rotten burrito hits bottom miles from a bathroom. I was on borrowed time and I knew it.
(Mike) Ever notice that characters almost never go to the bathroom in movies?
(Chris) I’m so glad of that fact
(Mike) Me too
Duchess’ stomach growls as she holds it.
(Mike, narrator mode) Diarrhea is the storm that rages inside you
On the radio is a commercial spot for colon cleansing and the dangers of using it as part of a weight loss regiment.
(Chris) But that’s fun … [Chris sounds contemplative] throw in a laxative …
Georgie reaches across with the joint, giving it to Duchess before she changes the station and we hear Sweet Mary. She begins to sing along while popping weight loss pills in her mouth and washing them down with the bottle of vodka and taking the joint back.
Duchess
Keep that shit up and you'll see that god damned devil yourself, mark my words. He's a big fucker.
Up ahead on the shoulder is a hitchhiker with a towel draped over his shoulder.
(Mike) *hums The Hitchhiker TV Show Theme*
(Chris) Looks like he’s remembered his towel
A wiry little man who sticks his thumb out the minute he sees the car. His grin growing bigger when he realizes it is two girls in a ford.
(all) *hum The Eagle’s Take it Easy*
It buzzes past him on the road. A close up reveals he's a Mormon, his holy book clutched to his chest.
(Mike) If this suddenly becomes a porn film I’m outta here *he begins to stand and walks towards an exit*
(Computer) Nice try. Sit down.
Mike sings ‘heigh ho’ then walks back to his seat and sits back down*
Georgie
We should pick him up...it's the right thing to do.
(all) *laugh for several moments*
(Chris) These characters have morals?
Duchess looks at the backseat, overloaded with suitcases as Georgie slams on the brakes and throws it in reverse.
(all) *Make noises of a car driving over something*
Duchess
Where? Not like we can stuff his ass in an overhead compartment. (pauses) He's right there isn't he?
They both turn and grin at him.
Hitchhiker
Bless you for stopping sisters. Would you be interested in hearing the teachings of Christ?
(Mike) Great pick up line.
(Chris) Better than ‘Wanna go and see my etchings?’
Duchess
What? (pauses) We're not your sisters. We're exactly like those bitches that ignored you in high school.
(Mike, as Duchess) We’re the gum on the bottom of your shoe
Georgie
That's not very ni...
(Mike holds his ears and raises his voice) Ahhhh … That is one of the words we can …
(Chris interrupts) Saw Holy Grail again did we?
(Mike takes his hands off his ears)
Duchess glared at Georgie.
Duchess
Less talk...more stomping of the gas, else holy water torture.
Duchess leans over to push down Georgies foot. They peel away down the road leaving the hitchhiker standing there scratching his head.
(Chris, sings) Drive, push it to the floor till the engines scream
Drive, driving like the demon that drives your dreams
You're on a hard road, nobody cares if you hit the brakes
You've got to think fast, keep it in gear, one slip is all it takes.
(Mike, sings) You gotta keep your wheels on the straight and narrow
If you wanta' survive
Slow motion man, Iron and steel in the palm of your hand,
High powered heart, bettin' your life on the state of the art.
(Chris, sings) Lay down the law. Don't you let 'em cross the line.
Under the hood, got the bad and the good. Everybody's doin' time.
Drive, push it to the floor till the engines scream
Drive, driving like the demon that drives your dreams
Drive
EXT. PATIO DECK (24 HOURS PRIOR) – AFTERNOON
(Mike) we could have been warned with something like a cheesy dissolve shot SO WE KNOW WE HAVE A FREAKIN’ SUDDEN TIME SHIFT
(Chris) Easy .. breathe
*Mike breathes into a paper bag several times* okay I feel better
A uniformed Hobbit crosses in the fore screen carrying a pink flamingo, passing the derelicts that have gathered in the room. Pimps and their hoes line the patio boundaries. Over the hill actresses drinking cosmos and talking to seedy porn directors at the tables.
(Mike) Suddenly we’re in a David Lee Roth video
(Chris) Either that or a Spinal Tap one
(Mike) This movie goes to 11 .. on the suck scale
(Chris) On the Joe Bob Briggs scale it’s .. three boobs
(Mike) Not four?
(Chris) Loses one for all the clichés
Duchess (V/O)
The patio was reserved for actresses whose careers careened of the track decades ago as they wallowed in self pity and cosmos, reflecting on their heyday during the early seventies.
(All) *hum some mellow ‘70s porn music*
The Hobbit is dressed up as a bellhop or an extra flying monkey from the wizard of Oz reaches for the duchess. Tapping her arm. She's also wearing khakis, a white bikini top and tennis shoes. She ignores the Hobbit who is holding her cell phone.
(Mike) now it’s a Fellini movie
Duchess
The Saramon story is getting too confusing.
(Mike) I think the author meant Sauron …
(Chris, narrator mode) Sauron … subverted by Melkor or Morgoth to serve evil’s purpose
*Mike nudges Chris*
(Chris) oops .. got of topic
(Mike) Fangirl
The worgs are surrounding us as we speak.
(Chris) Somebody is into World of Warcraft
The hobbit continues to tap her as she looks around wildly, at everything but him. She finally looks at him.
(Mike) Do you think he was green screened in?
(Chris) Never liked LotR, did you?
(Mike) It was a Sky Captain joke *wipes his brow*
(Chris) Good choice
Hobbit
Was this what you were looking for? Perhaps this has your answers.
On the cell phone wallpaper is the one 'ring’
(Mike) … one ring to rule them all …
(Chris interrupts) no …
Duchess
Ummm...Hmmm....Mmmm
(all) *hum Crash Test Dummies Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm *
She hits the power on the cell and looks as confused as ever.
(Chris) Duchess has like two expressions
(Mike) yup
Hobbit
You have been chosen for a quest, you must away to Atlantic City at once. Gabrielle has the answers you seek.
(Chris, sarcastic) Wow this borders on the mysterious …
(Mike) So the quest is for more drugs and booze?
(Chris) Probably … and it’ll probably take us three hours in the movie to meet up with Gabrielle … and we can do better fortune telling than that Hobbit.
(Mike pulls out a magic eight ball and shakes it)“will we get to stop riffing these scripts and fanfics? [He looks down at the 8 Ball and reads] “Try again later”.
(Chris takes the 8 ball, shakes it and asks a question) Will we be doing this schtick until we are eighty? [She looks down at the 8 Ball and reads it] “That’s possible”
Georgie slams down an empty shot glass on the table and pinches her nose after doing a line on the table.
*Chris mimics Georgie* Ahh pixie stix
Georgie
As your high priestess I suggest a fast car. Something where we can let our hair down, be one with nature.
And a state of the art video camera. After a little of this...which directly falls under the one with nature bit.
Georgie whips out a gallon baggie of weed and two hideous Hawaiian shirts out of a backpack.
*Mike stands up and looks into the backpack* Hey look, Jimmy Hoffa *he sits back down*
(Chris) You’ve been saving that joke up, haven’t you?
(Mike) yup
Georgie
Of course this means my weekend retreat in the Poconos is shot and we must be fully prepared to keep the heathens at bay.
Duchess
Heathens you say? Sure why not, might as well do the damage control ourselves.
(Mike) Somehow I can’t see these two performing damage control
(Chris) Neither can I
Duchess and Georgie leave the patio and the Hobbit is following them through the crowd only to run dead on with the sliding glass door.
(Mike as Ashton Kutcher) You’ve been Punk’d .. we sprayed the glass with Windex
It doesn't faze Duchess and Georgie as they continue to walk.
Duchess
I'm telling you people would kill for this opportunity. This is really what the American Dream is about.
(Mike starts to sing) Dream the Ameri …
(Chris) Don’t … I will hurt you
Georgie
...and what am I exactly missing my TM workshop for?
(Mike looks over in Chris’s direction) TM? Total Moron?
EXT. FRONT ENTRANCE - AFTERNOON
Duchess
Kink weekend! Enough debauchery to make Caligula blush. If you can think of it, it's been done. Dirty Sanchez, Cleveland steamers, angry dragons, it's all there and we’re covering it. Right in the thick of it. Behind enemy lines.
(Chris) Beyond cocaine lines you mean
Duchess hands the valet her ticket.
(Mike as Duchess, vo) I should have gotten the ticket validated
Duchess
Hopefully they will keep the flogging of prisoners to a minimum.
(all) Thank God
When the car sputters onto the screen they hop in and take off.
Duchess
We're going to have to infiltrate them. Make them think we are one of them.
(Chris) They are Borg
(Mike) You know what?
(Chris) What?
(Mike) Unless I missed it this movie is still 24 hours in the past
(Chris) So ..
(Mike) Just noticed that
(Chris) nod, smile and wave
(Mike) Yeah that would be for the best
Hobbit
Come back you filthy humans. My Precioussssss...
(Mike) Tolkien’s people should sue
The hobbit runs behind the car waving the check in the air at them.
(Mike) Damn he is one persistent waiter...
EXT. OUTSIDE WATERFORD - DAY
A car drives past the camera.
(Mike) The director has a cameo
Duchess (V/O)
Having enough weed and cool shirts were easy...
(Mike) We’re never going to see any lesbian shower scenes are we?
(Chris) Most likely, Not …. Guess the film makers figured outfitting the cast in cheesy shirts was cheap … and they wouldn’t get an X rating
EXT. TIKI BAR - DAY
The car slams on the brakes.
(all) *suddenly they bounce and lurch off of their chairs again. They get up slowly*
Duchess (V/O)
...It was the car and video camera this far away from civilization that were going to be hard. Especially this late in the day, in Waterford of all places.
(Mike) geez .. the writer is picking on Waterford … what did Waterford ever do to her?
(Chris) Probably got a jay walking ticket
INT. TIKI BAR – DUSK
Duchess is holding her cell phone in her teeth like a pirate
(Mike) She’s taking Speak Like a Pirate Day seriously
and holding four plastic cups of amaretto sours
(Mike) She’s ready for the Seinfeld Drinking Game
(Chris) Oh yeah, I can see them playing that
(Mike) Perhaps the Thelma and Louise version?
as she walks over towards Georgie who is screaming into a pay phone.
(Chris, as Georgie) “Listen Buster, I want a kilo sent now .. listen ..”
(Mike) That was really eerie
(Chris) Thank you
Georgie
We'll be there in exactly nine minutes. (to duchess) I got us a better set of wheels. (to phone) What? Are you kidding me? Of course she has plastic.
(Chris) tupperware? boobs? hips?
Duchess
That's right; don't take any shit from those fools.
(Mike) She’s Mrs. T
Georgie slams the phone down onto the receiver, almost breaking it.
(Mike) Easy... the prop guy needs that intact
Duchess
Now for a video camera. Something with progressive scan, three CCD's, four hundred-sixty thousand pixels, interchangeable lenses, the whole shebang.
(Chris)*starts to sing She Bangs*
(Mike) don’t .. and do not ever sing that song again
Night vision if we encounter Paris Hilton at this thing.
(Mike) The Simple Life might actually be better than FLAC
(Chris) no .. uhm .. you have a point
Georgie
Where are we going to get that kind of unlimited credit?
(Mike) You could try Donald Trump
Duchess
Unlimited credit? Think of where we are going,
(Mike) Hell?
(Chris) Atlantic City
(Mike) Same thing, so I hear
bound to be a few pawn shops down there.
EXT. ATLANTIC CITY EXPRESSWAY - DUSK
The car putters along down the highway.
(all, sung to Ramblin’ Man) Putterin’ down Highway 440
(Chris) Doesn’t work does it?
(Mike) No .. and besides technically 440 is called a route
(Chris) It’s bad when you have to explain a joke this much
Duchess (V/O)
The one pawn shop we found listed in the yellow pages was already closed, we told the guy we were hot chicks.
(Mike, as the pawn shop guy) Do you know Rob Schneider?
...he said he'd stick around if we hustled.
(All hum The Hustle)
{Computer) Feel free to take a pause and eat, I need to check on something. A horrible parody of the Hamster Dance video plays on the TV Screen
(Mike) I may never watch youtube again
Mike and Chris turn away from the screen and open up their bags then take out sodas, chips and sandwiches
(Mike) Are you as lost as I am?
(Chris) Yup
The duo eat and drink in silence
(Computer) And we’re back
(Chris) What did we pause for?
(Computer) I had to check on tomorrows fanfic
(Chris) Lovely
The video stops and the script resumes
EXT. ATLANTIC CITY EXPRESSWAY TUNNEL - DUSK
Duchess is behind the wheel and lays on the horn. Traffic is backed up and it's not rush hour.
(Chris) Wait a sec. Computer .. pause the film .. there’s no discussion of this event between the primary characters?
(Computer) yes
(Mike) Hmm. I’m surprised … I’d be willing to bet a conversation would sound like this
(Mike, as Duchess) “You @#&%@ … move your @#$%@ asses”
(Chris, as Georgie) “Hey, calm your $%#@ ass down”
(Mike, as Duchess) “Look, I’ll calm my @##@$ self down when the @#%&*#@$%%%%%% roadblock gets #@$*@%^cleared”
(Chris) Look for it in the Director’s Cut .. okay continue
[the film/ script continues to roll]
Duchess (V/O)
But, there was a bit of a delay up ahead. Someone ran over a little old bingo lady with their mobile home.
(Mike) Sounds like an Alan Jackson song
(Chris, imitating Alan Jackson) “All my exes I ran over in Texas …….”
A tarp can be seen at the end of the tunnel. Paramedics are cleaning up the scene.
(Chris) You missed a spot
(Mike) What they need are some Bounty towels
Shoes sticking out from the tarp look like Dorothy's ruby red slippers.
(Mike) There’s no place like home … There’s no place like home…. There’s no place like home
(Chris) *bops him with a pillow*
(Mike) Thanks
A girl by the side of the road in pigtails is arguing with the cops about the ownership of the shoes.
(Mike) Pippi Longstocking is such a biotch
EXT. CAR DEALERSHIP – NIGHT
(Mike) So what is this now? like day five?
(Chris) Not sure, I lost count
Duchess (V/O)
We ran into a small snag at the dealership
(Chris, as Duchess (v/o)) My valium ran out
Duchess walks around a Ford GT on the showroom floor with a wide ass grin plastered on her face, Heavenly sounds can be heard in the background.
(Chris) The sound guy is playing his Passion of the Christ CD
(Mike) Either that or You Can’t Always Get What you Want is stuck on repeat in that one spot
Salesman
Ummm excuse me, that car isn't available. Not on your credit.
(Chris, as the salesman) You get a second hand Yugo
The heavenly sounds abruptly stop, like a needle being scratched across an LP.
(Mike) No it’s just someone’s Danny Elfman CD
Duchess
What?!?
Salesman
This is more your speed.
The salesman tosses the keys to Duchess and it cuts to them in the parking lot looking at a Ford Focus.
Duchess
You have to be fucking kidding me.
Shaking her head the entire time she loads up the trunk of the car and hops in.
Salesman
You under the influence of something?
(Mike, as Duchess) Nope .. but oh... You don't wanna look in there. (indicates the trunk)
Duchess
Do I look it?
She stomps on the gas and peels out of the dealership.
(all, at the same time) Look out for that car!!! Tree!!! Pedestrian!!!! We’re gonna die!!! Mommy!!!
Georgie
What a pussy.
(all, mewing)
EXT. HOUSE BY THE WATER – NIGHT
(Mike, singing) House by the water …..
(Chris does some air guitar)
The shadows of Duchess and Georgie can be seen dancing around a fire built on the beach as they take turns packing the car.
(Mike) The dramatic packing and unpacking scene!!!
(Chris, sarcastically) woooow
Duchess (V/O)
The rest of the night was spent loading up the car, then digging it out of the dirt. We burned one and stared at the embers of the fire.
The sound of fire crackling in the background can be distinctly heard. A shadow of what appears to be the Jersey devil eclipses the camera. Duchess screams out while running around the bonfire.
(Mike) And the Mystery, Inc gang shows up
Duchess (V/O)
This weekend was going to be different. It was one of those pivotal moments that when you think you've figured everything out, it gets turned upside down and inside out.
(all singing )
Upside down/ Boy, you turn me Inside out/
And round and round/ Upside down
Boy, you turn me/
Inside out/ And round and round
INT. HOTEL LOBBY - DAY
Duchess twitches as she waits in line for the hotel room. Georgie is all hopped up and standing in front of her, bouncing about like a kid without their meds.
(Chris) nah she just put 10 packs of brown sugar in her Mountain Dew
Duchess (V/O)
Something about AC gave me the cold sweats.
(Chris as Duchess (v/o)) I wasn’t sure about the DC
Maybe it's just the medical wastes and dead hookers that wash up on the beach every Labor Day weekend.
(Mike, as Duchess (VO)) Perhaps it was just memories of that all night Michael Moore marathon
(Chris) okay no more Michael Moore jokes
(Mike) Why?
(Chris) Too easy
The line moves up a bit as a couple leaves, room key in hand.
Duchess (V/O)
Be a good little Airman. Name, rank, serial number. They don't need to know why you are here, what you are covering. Keep it together girl.
(Mike, sarcastically) You ever feel as if your mind had started to erode?
(Chris) A million points to anyone who gets that movie reference … but yeah my iq has gone down a few points since the beginning of this film
Out of the corner of her eye she spies something. She immediately panics. The shag carpeting is coming to life, trying to eat her feet. There are eyes staring up at her.
Duchess (V/O)
Ignore the muppet...Ignore the muppet...Ignore the muppet...
As the line moves up she latches onto the counter, staring at the check-in clerk. She completely snaps.
(all) *snap their fingers for several seconds*
Duchess
I'm...I have reservations under Dutch. I...I...reserved online. My confirmation sheet... (sifting through pockets) That comes with free cable right?
(Chris as Duchess) I want to watch Iron Chef .. I’m hungry
..and a continental breakfast, hopefully not some crappy box cereals but real food like eggs and bacon and french toast. It was listed on the website. (pauses) Enlightenment? Oh, this is my spiritual advisor, the honorable...
(Mike) …. John Edwards
(Chris) …. Pat Robertson
(Mike) Jim Beam
(Chris) Stone Cold Steve Austin
As she continues to babble she plummets to the floor as her foot gets caught in the rug. She fights it off and pops right back up to the counter.
(Mike) She’ll meet herself in the wrestling finals next week
(Chris) So far the rug has won this week’s contest
Duchess
She's not on the reservation but I need her and we must have a business suite or something to that equivalent. I read on your site to inquire about a free upgrade...it should be right on the homepage.
(Mike) http;//www.generichotel.com/
(Chris) http;//www.motel6.com/
(Mike) Same thing
She taps the monitor screen the clerk is looking at before falling down again and smacking at her ankles. The clerk looks over the counter and tries to hand Duchess an envelope as she gets back up again.
(all sing) I get knocked down, But I get up again
You're never going to keep me down
Clerk
Your room isn't ready. They are out to get you...
(Mike as Clerk) yknow the FBI, the Illuminati, The MiBs, Sears, and Publisher’s Clearing House, Blue Sun
Duchess
What?
The hotel clerks face contorts, changes, contorts.
(Chris) He’s becoming Adam Sandler!!!!
(Mike) You scare me
Clerk
I said someone is looking for you...sheesh!
Duchess
But I just got here...what?
The clerks face gets crazier looking and Duchess dives behind Georgie who promptly snaps up the envelope from the clerk.
INT. BAR – DAY
(Mike) Meanwhile at the G. Neric bar
The bar is filled with yuppies in their dockers and polo shirts.
(Chris) Friends of the producer, no doubt
Duchess is more or less catatonic
(Chris) Which is it?
sitting at the bar.
(Mike) This must be a fantasy film
(Chris) Why?
(Mike) They aren’t in jail or on Cops, yet
Georgie
Two screwdrivers (to bartender) Two shots of Kamikazi, cause I'm feeling like a fighter pilot.
(Mike) Lieutenant Pete ‘Maverick’ Mitchell?
(Chris) Captain Wild Bill Kelso?
(Mike) Major Daniel Xavier Kirby?
(Chris) Captain Charles “Chappy” Sinclair?
(Mike) Lieutenant JG Nick “Goose” Bradshaw?
(opens envelope) ...and the winner is... (pauses)
(Chris, as Georgie) … Britney Spears as best actress
(Mike, as Georgie) ... Doom as best SFX
(Chris, as Georgie)… Quentin Tarentino as best director
Who the fuck is Laverne?
(Mike) Shirley’s roomie, duh
Duchess
Laverne?
(Chris) Chief?
(Mike) McCloud?
(Mike) Dinsdale?
(Chris) Trumpy?
Duchess (V/O)
I wasn't sure. It sounded so damn familiar though,
(all, spoken) One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Schlemiel, schlimazel, hasenpfeffer incorporated ….
but it was then my ADD kicked in.
(Mike) Wish I could have something that would kick in
(Chris) Me too.
Laverne, all I could think of was cheap beer that tasted like moose piss.
(Chris) Laverne must drink Pabst and be from Canada or Maine
Duchess is staring at the floor. The eyes and teeth in the shag carpeting are looking back up at her with a menacing smile. She starts freaking out. Terror is evident in her eyes.
(Chris) I got the same reaction from watching Doom
(Mike) Who needs actual drugs? I’m getting high just by seeing this
Duchess
I need football cleats..NOW!
(Chris) This might turn into one of *those* films, yet
(Mike)Either that or she wants to try out for the Giants
We're gonna fucking die. No place to walk, can't escape the muppets.
When she looks up she sees Georgie is gone. When she looks around the room she notices she's surrounded by furries.
(Chris) Could be worse
(Mike) How?
(Chris) Could be furbys
(Mike) eww
Duchess (V/O)
I was trapped.
(Mike) I kinda know the feeling
Right in the middle of a furry meet up. It was only a matter of time before I was sucked into a furr pile and getting ass fucked by Elmo.
(Mike) Wonder if she tickled him in that dream
(Chris) Now you are scaring me
Georgie appears next to Duchess.
(all) GAAAAAH!!! Don’t do that
Georgie
Christ you think that's bad. I just saw Kermit blowing Beaker in the women's bathroom.
(Mike) Download available at http://www.muppetporn.com
Georgie pulls off the shades and you can see she's been laughing so hard that there are tears in her eyes
Georgie
I tracked down Laverne. She's a videographer and a Hell of a bowler.
Duchess
What about the room and my Goddamn football cleats!
A group of furries at a table look over at them. They appear to be drooling. Duchess and Georgie are in bunny outfits.
(Mike) suddenly they’re at the Playboy mansion?
(Chris) This could be bad … this could become a big song and dance number
(Mike) Yeah .. I can see it now … their own version of The Time Warp
(Chris) That would be very scary.
Duchess grabs Georgie by the neck.
(all, chant) Do it … do it …..
Duchess
Awwww....fuck me!
(all, in a male baritone) uhm .. nooo
Red alert! Red alert!
(Mike) Someone changed the bulb
We've been detected captain.
Cutting back to a wider shot we see that Duchess is clutching another guest.
Georgie sitting beside her as if nothing were happening. Georgie drains another shot and gets up.
Georgie
That's the sign in table. Let's do this thing. You sign in, I'll get the keys to the room.
(all) *hum the Mission: Impossible Theme*
Duchess
Don't go! (she grabs onto Georgie’s leg) Dear God don't leave me!
INT. HOTEL ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON.
(Mike) gah …. Sudden scene change there
(Chris) just nod, smile and wave
A TV is on in the corner of the room showing an Ed Wood type picture
(Mike) could be a Sam Raimi flick.
as a bellhop pulls their food in on a cart. He looks nervously at them.
(Mike) Well, I don’t blame him .. yeesh … probably thinks this is going to turn into Hostel
Bellboy
(Mike) … The new Guillermo del Toro film
(Chris) Let’s wait for a sec before we move on
(Mike) Why?
(Chris) So folks reading this can plug that name into imdb.com
That's two fat Darrells... ecstasy fries...a cucumber...
(Chris, as Bellboy) … aspercreme …
(Mike) Looks like we’re finally getting a threesome
(Chris) Probably going to tease us again
Duchess
The mothership, it's in the sky coming for us.
Duchess is huddled in a corner peeking out of the window.
(Mike, as Duchess)There’s a giant ape climbing the hotel!!!!
Bellboy
...a crate of lemons...
(Chris) oh great were going to see some hentai
(Mike) That would be an improvement over what’s going on so far
Duchess
No...not the anal probe.
(Computer) Dialogue by Eric Cartman
(Chris) Stealing our lines, are we?
Georgie
Wait I saw this before, throw water at it.
(Mike) Not after midnight though
Duchess
No...I want to study it like Jane Goodall with those silver backs
Bellboy
...a quart of Jagermeister...
(Chris) Surprised it isn’t a case of the stuff
Georgie
Ahhh, vitamin J
Georgie escorts the bell boy from the hotel room.
(Mike, as Donald Trump) Bellboy, You’re Fired!!!
Georgie
What the Hell is your problem? Talking about aliens and anal probes. You were freaking him out man. You can't be talking about that shit.
The TV continues to show bad sci-fi footage.
(Mike) Bet its Serenity
(Chris) Hey!!!!!
Duchess
What are you yelling?
(Chris) Why are you yelling is a better question …
Georgie
What am I yelling? I'll tell you what I'm yelling...I left your ass alone for five minutes and they were ready to throw you in a straight jacket and send you to Ancora. That's what the fuck I'm yelling.
There is a knock at the door and they both jump out of their skins.
(The riffers suddenly jump up, scream and run around crazily then just as suddenly they sit)
(Mike) That was therapeutic
(Chris) yup
Duchess
They have come for us...where's the tin foil?
(Mike, as Duchess) And where’s my pants?
(Chris) *shakes her head*
Georgie walks over to the door with the baseball bat.
(Chris) Be careful, you might actually hit someone with that
When she opens it their videographer Laverne is standing at the door. Georgie looks at her suspiciously as the bubbly blonde bounces in.
(Mike) And then the hotel blows up … end of story *he begins to stand up*
(Chris) That’s a little dark, even for you … sit down .. there is more to this. lets get on with this, shall we?
(Mike) Yeah .. lets … before I mention that nothing has happened
a second time.
*The computer starts things up again then suddenly there is a bright flash and a pop, and the riffers jump out of their seats*
(Mike) The hell
(Chris) maybe the computer blew
(Computer) I’m sorry to disappoint. Actually there was a fatal error of the transmission of this script. So the ending will not transpire
(Chris) Why the noise and lights?
(Computer) Testing my SFX
(Mike) Surrrrrrrre, can we go?
(Computer) First the comments
(Mike) You want more, besides the movie was a train wreck?
(Chris) Like any Pauly Shore Flick
(Mike) Okay the whole thing was un-filmable. Never knew what day it supposed to be .. or night.
(Chris) There was an excessive amount of drug use and drinking. If this film were reality the leads would have been dead in five minutes due to oding or would be getting into a fatal car crash, or both.
(Mike) The writer had to be real cute and stick in about three hundred references to Lord of the Dance .. errr .. Rings
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